The Painhole
(note: Archived Painhole essays can be found at the bottom of this
page)
Two brief notes before we plunge into the hole. 1) I’d like to thank everyone who emailed me concerning last weeks column. As always, this hole remains wide open to any suggestions or comments you might have - although, typically, when I want your opinion I’ll give it to you. B) For the few of you out there (and most specifically to our fearless leader, Ben) who commented on my spelling abilities, or lack there of; I would like to remind you that the English language, a once living and vibrant tree, has in this modern age withered dryer than Strum Thurman’s colon as a result of a dejected and apathetic generation of children nursed from zygotes on the supple teat of MTV and the social acceptance of SAT scores in the low single digits who can hardly tell the difference between Duran Duran, Sirhan Sirhan, and a gerund. So suck it up, budddddddy!
We have want, from time to time, the desire to play a particular set - a style, if you will - of improv games at FNI called guessing games. Surprise Party, Murder-Chain, Excuses, Ah... Mr. Bond... So glad you could join us, etc. You’ve probably seen one or two. Now, all these games are different but they all share a common idea: They are all games where some of the players on stage have to guess some hidden piece of information. Ok, given that the genus of these improv games is Guessing; what, would you think, would be the primary focus or action to take place in said games? Think very hard now... make the peace between your two warring brain cells, if only for the time being.... have an answer?? Well, if you said “Guessing!” then it’s a safe bet that people think your some kind of nut for shouting the word “guessing” at your monitor. You would also be dead wrong.
See, by and large, we play only one type of game at FNI - and it’s called a scene game. A scene game is where two or more players use actions, characters, situations and relationships to tell a story. That story starts at a beginning, moves onto a middle, and then finally to some conclusion. In a scene game, the audience has the opportunity of see characters interact in complex relationships, perform tasks, create and resolve conflict - and to do so within the context of an overlaying story. That’s what a scene game is. What a scene game is not is someone standing on a stage for ten minutes shouting to no one in particular “Um... it’s a blowfish?... errr, your in a airplane made of Jell-O??... no, geeze....ugh... your a gay blowfish in a airplane made of Jell-O riding on a Sit-And-Spin???... no, um, wait....” You’re correct in guessing that’s not a scene game. It is, however, every guessing game you’ve ever seen.
See, the point of a guessing game has nothing to do with guessing the audience suggestion. Just in case you didn’t understand that, let me say it another way: The point of a guessing game has nothing to do with guessing the audience suggestion. Now, I sure you don’t really believe me so here is comes the argument.
Most improv games evolved out of acting exercises for professional performers. Each “game” was designed to teach a specific set of skills to serious actors. Guessing games, in particular, can teach an actor invaluable skills such as genuinely re-acting rather than acting (Acting!), communicating specific information non-verbally, and focusing on or listening to his/her partner. Watch any actor you respect and you will see that they can do all these things. And it is exactly these kind of skills which guessing games were designed to teach.
Ok, ok, I know.... very few of us are or want to become serious actors (or waitress, or heroin addicts, or methadone addicts - whichever euphemism you prefer). And we could care less about how improv games evolved or what skills there supposed to teach - they just happen to lend themselves so easily to us laughing till we bleed-out. I hear you saying this and you are 100% right. But the fact remains that the whole design of each of these games depends on the performers (even if they happen to be amateur) following certain rules and playing the games to certain ends.
Imagine what baseball would be like if every time you hit the ball you decided you could run to third-base and not first because the rational was “hey, I’m just an amateur and I’m playing for fun”. Or, whenever you scored a run you randomly picked a number for the score, because you had the “Integer’s are OK!” rule. Doing this would defeat the whole purpose of playing the game in the first place (not to mention make you a living example of Calvin & Hobbes).
Like any game, a guessing game has rules and ends. Specifically, a guessing game is just a scene game, only with some bits of information hidden from some of the players. The point of the game is to play-out a scene, and use the very fact that you don’t know all the information to help you along. In Surprise Party, you’ve got a naive host and “whaky” guests, in Pledge Break you’ve got two applicants vieing for the same job, in Ah Mr. Bond you’ve got the classic spy vs. villain paradigm - the story line in each of these games is all but set for people to do a complete beginning, middle, end scene. But it rarely, if ever, happens. Why? Because people get totally focused on guessing the info and any semblance of a scene is never even started. Well guess what? The audience already knows all the suggestions - they heard it when you were out of the room. Why do you feel it necessary that they hear it again so quickly? What they haven’t heard yet is a scene, which they never seem to get.
If your a guest playing Surprise Party - it’s your job to try and become your “quirk” to such a high-degree that the host can’t help but know what’s wrong with you (look, your focusing!). If your playing Murder Chain or Excuses, you’ve got to “put it in your body” and show your partner and the audience what’s going on (don’t look now, but your communicating non-verbally!!). But these things are not accomplished by just doing one “gag” over and over or by failing around on stage like a hyperspastic 8 year old on crack - they only happen in the context of a scene
Now, If your the “guesser” in a game, your job is to deal realistically with all the definitively un-natural things happening around you (oh no, you might just be re-acting!). You have to watch and listen to your on-stage partner (look, your focusing again) and trust he/she is going to give you all the information you need to let you guess correctly (son-of-a-biscuit, you might have to trust your partner!!). However, just standing there and spewing out an endless series of random guesses kills any chance of these things happening. But if you just relax, have fun, and try to play a scene - then everything else will fall neatly into place.
And for everyone playing any role in any guessing game - You don’t have to worry about being funny. Trust me on this; just watching someone trying to deal with all the gaps in their knowledge will provide all the “funny” you need. And the “funny” will come all to easily if everyone would just calm the hell down, stop your candy-asses from worring about getting the answers out so fast, and play a real scean.
Finally, two last things: First, I know tht regardless of what I say to ease your mind, when your up on stage actually playing a guessing game there is a lot of pressure (ie. to guess the info, play the game, do a real scene, and be entertaining all at the same time). It’s enough to un-nerve even the most seasoned veteran. But I’ve been watching FNI for a lot of years - long enough to give you the following advice: If your in a guessing game and your starting to panic because you just have no idea what’s going on - take a deep breath, close your eyes, and shout out “Gay Priest with Terretts in the Bathroom Slut Whore Fuzzy Hemorrhoids Dildo in a Church with a Gay Elvis” chances are good some, if not all of these, will be correct.
Point Two (and this deserves it’s own paragraph) - I’m sick and tired of watching every guessing game turn into and endless gushing stream of guesses with no thought behind either the guesses themselves or the sake of the game. So, towards that end, I’d like to make a polite little threat (because sometimes reason just doesn’t get through to the Freaks). The next time I see someone up on stage, blathering and blurting out every random synapse that is firing through their luke-warm wetware, nailing it down with a question mark and believing, with clenched assurance and defiant certainty, that they are playing the game correctly and entertaining the audience - I am going to calmly walk out on stage, put you on your back, take your ankles and put them up to your ears, and Shit-Fuck you. Please, let me be clear about this. I’m talking about excrement and intercourse here. My sphincter against your sphincter. My hot stool pushing and retracting through your bowels. An actual, old-school S-H-I-T F-U-C-K-I-N-G. The Cayman Trench will wince at the shear width and depth of the violation of your brown button. All the while screaming “It's not about guessing!!!You got that, Round-Eye?!!”
I’m lonely. Please be my friend.
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